“Grief never ends...but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith...It is the price of love.” This phrase from an unknown author perfectly describes the grief one experiences at the death of a loved one. I write these words on the fifteenth anniversary of my dad's unexpected passing, and I can attest that the mourning never ends but runs its course on the road to the final consolation yet to come. The price of his absence is higher than I could ever imagine and continues to increase over time.

Life has continued its course. My mom learned to live without her partner after several decades together. My siblings started their businesses and got married. My children have grown up without their grandfather, and I have continued my academic career and written books and articles without my dad reading them. However, despite what would seem to be a standard life for all of us, my dad's absence has left a permanent hole in all of us. Although death is considered a normal phase of our existence, the reality is that death is always a tragedy, an intruder, a clear sign of the vandalism of shalom (peace) for all of us.

Although ordinary and familiar, grief reminds us that the world is not as it should be. Christians mourn just like everyone else, but we do it with the certainty that death is not the final destination. We grieve with hope (1 Thess. 4:13). We have a living hope because it is based on the resurrection of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:3). We await the fulfillment of the divine promise that tells us that: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (Rev. 21:4).

As we await with hope this future consolation, we must be careful not to rob people of their grief. Those who grieve the loss of a loved one do not need us to minimize or deny their loss, but rather, they need our support and empathy. The reality is that everyone around us is grieving for one thing or another, and we must support them rather than add more weight to their pain. For this reason, I would like to share some tips that I have found helpful in helping those grieving.

Oftentimes, in trying to help others, we increase their pain. Despite our good intentions, we achieve the opposite effect in our quest to help those suffering. So, it is important that we avoid saying phrases such as the following:

- “At least...” as this minimizes the pain and suffering of the other person by wanting to put circumstances into our perspective as if we can control the pain levels of others.

- “What is God teaching you through this?” as it tends to be condescending; it assumes that suffering is like a riddle to be solved and that something was done to deserve it.

- “How are you doing?” as it assumes that one can quantify pain or progress toward “normalcy.” The reality is that the answer is almost always “bad,” but we hope for “good” for our benefit so we can carry on as if nothing happened.

- “I understand you because something similar happened to me when...” as we try to “match” the pain of others with our circumstances or experiences. In this way, we focus on ourselves and minimize the pain of others.

We need to remember that it is not our job to fix or provide solutions to the grieving of others, much less to avoid their suffering. Nothing we say or do will heal the wound or fill the hole that the loss of a loved one brings. But we are called to “bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). Therefore, when you want to help someone who has suffered a loss, I advise the following:

- Don't say anything at first; just be present. If possible, give them a hug. We often avoid those who are suffering because we don't know what to say and forget that our presence speaks for itself and makes all the difference in reminding others that they are not alone in their grief.

- We need to listen more and talk less. A helpful phrase is, “I don't know what to say, but I'm here if you need someone to listen.” This allows the other person to express their situation in their own way.

- Instead of trying to guess or explain divine purposes for suffering, we can ask, “How can I pray for you?” and sincerely seek God's help according to others' needs.

- Try to anticipate the needs of the suffering person and help as much as possible. Helping with the house, food, or simply company are tangible ways to show our love and support.

- Remember and validate important dates such as holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. These dates, like my dad's death anniversary in this article, help us remember, celebrate, and mourn our loved ones.

On the anniversary of my dad's death, I celebrate the years I had him by my side and mourn what was not and can never be. Our hope sustains us amidst the losses we face throughout our lives. Each of us encounters victories and challenges. This reality invites us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Rom. 12:15). This 15th anniversary serves as a chance for me to say I love you, Dad, and that I miss you!